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” What’s the meaning of the message you sent?” Kola asked deaconess, with a larger than life frown on his face. ” You don’t have to make up something to make me listen to you. That was too low.”
At the other end of the line, deaconess sighed and turned her lips downward in a show of sadness.
” I don’t like the tone of voice you are using with me. You have no respect for me again,” she said in a sad tone. ” It’s okay sha. Let’s meet at Bolingo eatery tomorrow by 7pm. I understand if you don’t want to come to my house. What is baffling me is why you are suddenly seeing me as the devil. You are a grown up man with the ability to make your choice. I never forced you to sleep with me…”
” Nonsense,” Kola said as he angrily cut the call. “Jezebel.”
Deaconess Beatrice was at that moment in her house. She was seated on the bed with a suicide note by her right, and a bottle of sniper on her left. She was prepared to end her miserable life. No! She cannot continue living with the garment of shame hanging on her body. Her whole life had just been disrupted by a news she got. Her reputation was about to go down the drain. The sin that she committed in a moment of carelessness had returned to haunt her. That was her main reason for wanting to end her life. But she discovered that she couldn’t carry out the act. She was scared of dying and going to hell. Anyone that intentionally terminates her life will surely go to hell.
The thought of the aftermath of suicide was the reason why she called Kola. She needed to talk to someone; a person that would understand what she’s going through. Whereas, she need not be the only one to bear the consequence of their action. He has to know.
—————-
Deaconess spent three months in Ghana. The months were fruitful but troubled. They were fruitful in the sense that she learnt a lot from the training , but troubled as a result of what happened before she left for Ghana.
It started with her having deep guilt about making a man to fall. She couldn’t stop blaming herself. She should have allowed Kola stay in his lane. She shouldn’t have moved too close to him. However, the guilty feeling didn’t make her stop thinking about Kola. She was remorseful on one side, and desired him on the other side. Now that he had awakened something in her, her body longed for more of him. If what she had for him before was admiration spiced with lust, she had suddenly developed a deep affection for him . She wanted his body and also wanted his love. Sound odd, doesn’t it?
Her days and nights were filled with dreams about Kola. She wondered if that is how she will live the rest of her life, dreaming about and burning for a man that will never be her’s. She prayed about the issue but it seemed prayer wasn’t working. She feared returning to Nigeria and facing Kola again.
When she got to Ghana and realized that she could do a three month diploma course in admin and counseling and not just a month certificate course, she quickly upgraded. She wanted more time to fight off the desire for Kola. Three months might be enough to put what had happened behind her. She was like a woman running from an ugly past. She was afraid and ashame of facing Kola, his wife and the church. Though she committed the sin with him, she was scared that he might have told his wife. Maybe the wife would have reported to the pastor, or some other person.
Yes, she failed in the day of adversity. Just a little temptation and she fell like a pack of cards. That singular act has awakened a deep hunger in her. Most nights, she would stay awake, reliving what happened between them and fantasizing on more moments with Kola. She would touch herself and imagine that it was Kola touching her. She would feel dirty afterwards but that wouldn’t stop her from engaging in the act by the next day. Her days were filled with sexual thoughts. They haunted her.
She knew Kola might never agree to go down with her again. On that day, after the deed was done, she wanted her world to end. She felt totally exposed and n***d. Not only to Kola, but to the God Almighty. God must have been looking at her and shaking his head in disappointment and saying, Beatrice you failed. Beatrice you fell. Beatrice you are about to break a home.
Hastily, she covered her body, as If Kola hadn’t seen it all. A while ago, she was the one begging him to expose her.
She mourned deeply for herself and for her sin partner. Throughout the night, she pleaded for God’s mercy. That was all she needed. Mercy for the forgiveness of sins, and grace to live an unscathed life afterwards. She’d broken her life long vow, never to sleep with any other man both before and after her marriage.It pained her a lot but she would have to live with it. And now, she asked herself why those thoughts and feelings returned in full force? Why was she acting in contrast to what she had always preached? It seemed she couldn’t help herself. The worst was that her spiritual life was going down the drain. These days, she’d rather think about Kola than pray. She’d rather play with her body than study the bible. She knew that she needed a quick intervention, but she was scared of opening up to someone. She was scared of being condemned and castigated. She would be seen as a weakling. She might even be suspended and removed from her position as a Deaconess’ if the church got to know that she slept with a member.
She didn’t call Kola for the whole time that she was in Ghana. She didn’t have the gut to call him. To tell him what? That she’s sorry that she shamelessly begged him to make Love to her? Or that she’s sorry that she dragged him into her mess? No, there’s no basis to calling him.
She still had the desire to make him her MD. She believed so much that he would do better than any other person. But now, instead of going to him directly, she would make everything official. She would inform the pastor about the offer. The pastor would prevail on him to pick up the job. He doesn’t have to know about what happened between them.
——-
Revd. Alhassan and his wife were the first to visit the deaconess on her return. They were happy to have her back and spoke at length on how they and the church had missed her.
Deaconess equally had a lot to tell them. Most important was that her NGO was fully registered and ready to take off. She would be recruiting some church members as her staff and the first batch of widows that would benefit would be from the church as well.
” God bless you for this,” Reverend Alhassan said . ” It would go a long way in bringing succour to so many improvished widows. I wish we have other people that are willing to take up courses like this.”
” It’s God o. Its been a long time dream, ” Deaconess responded, smiling.
” I’ve been meaning to ask,” Reverend said. ” Will you be able to run the company and the NGO together? Won’t it be hectic?”
Deaconess smiled. ” I have put some mechanisms in place. I’m hoping to have Mr. Kola Johnson as my MD, if he agrees to take up the post.”
Reverend and his wife looked at each other. ” That’s beautiful,” Reverend said. ” We are glad that your own charity is starting from home. You are helping a lot of our church members. Kola is my son. I can talk to him on your behalf.”
” Things will start rolling within the week. For now, I want to have some much needed rest. I’m feeling a bit under the weather.”
” Oh, have you taken something?”
” Yes. I started Malaria treatment yesterday.”
” If I may say,” the pastor’s wife looked quizzically at her. ” You look pale.”
” I’ve been fasting a lot.”
—–
Two weeks later, Deaconess dragged herself to the hospital when the malaria wouldn’t go away. She noticed that though she had reduced appetite and got increasingly tired with little work, she was adding weight. The first question that the doctor asked her at the hospital threw her off balance.
” Madam, when was the last time you menstruated?” He removed his glasses and placed them on his office table.
” Menstruated?” Deaconess narrowed her eyes. ” I’m 53 going 54. I haven’t seen my period for like six months. I wasn’t bothered because it’s been fluctuating since last year. It would come for few months, seize and then surface again. But I guess menopause has finally crept in because I’ve not seen it for 6 months running.”
” Are you sexually active?” The doctor’s eyes pierced into her’s, as if he was reading into her mind. She’d known him for years. He had been their family doctor as far as she knew. He knew that her husband was dead. And now, he’s asking if she’s sexually active. Deaconess felt ashamed and lowered her eyes.
” Not really,” deaconess replied. “You know my marital status.”
“Yes,” the doctor smiled and scratched his head. ” It will make things easy for us if I know of your sexual history. We will be able to rule out pregnancy.”
Deaconess Beatrice’s heart jumped. Could she be pregnant. That was the question she posed to the doctor. He starred hard at her. ” I can’t possibly say if you are or not, except we run a test.”
Deaconess nodded. ” Something happened about three months ago.” She placed a palm across her forehead. ” I don’t want to talk about it.”
The doctor shook his head in pity. ” With due respect ma. It’s possible that you are still ovulating even as menopause is setting in. What you had were premenopausal fluctuations in your flow. If you are still ovulating, you have a slim chance of getting pregnant if you meet with a man.”
Deaconess felt as if the doctor was talking to her from a distance. She walked like a zombie to the lab were her sample was taken. The result came out positive. A baby was growing in Deaconess’ body. At 53, she was pregnant with Kola’s baby.
The Doctor insisted that she do a scan, just to be doubly sure. It was there. The foetus was there. It was estimated that she was 16 weeks gone.
As she was about to leave the clinic, the doctor called her back.
” I don’t advise that you make any attempt at aborting the pregnancy. The pregnancy is into the second trimester and you will be putting your life at risk if you attempt it. Even as it is, getting pregnant at your age is a huge risk. You need close monitoring…”
Beatrice walked away while the doctor was still talking. Shame shame shame, she cried as she drove home. How would she face the world? What would she tell the church? That she’s pregnant for her son’s age mate? Her first son was 32. She had him when she was 21. Kola should be about that age or a little older. So how would the world view it, that’s she’s pregnant for someone of half her age. Deaconess knew that she wouldn’t be able to endure the humiliation that would result if the news of her pregnancy go viral. She, that had always maintained a holy stand. She that had always looked down on people that were caught in one form of sexual sin or the other. She never knew this could happen to her. She has now gone against everything she’d always preached about. It would be better for her to end it all than face the world, but she’s scared of ending her life.
TO BE CONTINUED
Having sexual feeling isn’t bad but having inordinate feeling is the problem.
Do you think deaconess should have opened up to someone?
I feel for her and I wonder what she will do now.
What’s your take on the option before her? Should she keep or abort the baby? Whereas the doctor said getting pregnant at her age is a risk.
She should keep the pregnancy