UGLY UNCLE 3
“Good evening sir,” I greeted as I opened the door.
“What took you so long,” asked the ugly uncle.
“I was praying with my family.”
“I am sorry for the interruption. Please help me with your water heater, my own just got spoilt.”
I hurriedly brought the water heater for him.
He collected it and sent his thanks to my wife.
That was the first time he would borrow something from anyone in the compound.
By that time, I was already sweating.
I locked the door and hissed a sigh of relieve.
It was then I discovered that my wife had been behind the door with a pestle in her hand.
“What is this for?” I asked.
“Not for you but for him. I thought he was going to do anyhow. He for see anyhow. Na dis night we for die.”
I watched without saying a word as she returned the pestle to the kitchen.
This woman fights like a lion whose pride is about to be taken from him.
And once she sets her heart on something, she delivers before she rests.
I remember few weeks ago when we had a misunderstanding over our son.
I was working on a project with a laptop.
Actually the laptop belonged to my wife as my own was malfunctioning.
I was working on “THE MAJOR’S WIFE”. Yes, the same “THE MAJOR’S WIFE” I mentioned few weeks ago.
A story about the encounter of a man and his childhood female friend who got married to a Major in the Army.
My intention was to complete the project before bringing it to the public.
On that fateful day, I was on the laptop when my wife began to complain about the choice of school for our son.
She was no longer comfortable with our son’s previous school and had demanded we change to another school.
I do not like moving a child from one school to another, so as far as I was concern, she was not making any sense.
Giving her a deafening ear was a serious mistake. That is one thing she hates most.
Since I was writing, I did not want any form of disturbance.
Since I was already disturbed and I could not concentrate anymore, I left for the bathroom to have a cold shower.
I thought by the time I returned, she would let me have a rest before we talked about that.
But to my greatest surprise, I met my wife on the system.
“It’s like this thing is not allowing you to care for your family anymore,” she had said.
I rushed to take a look at what she was doing, and behold, she was deleting my work.
Her system has no recycle been, hence whatever is deleted is permanently gone.
“Ok! Ok! Ok! Ok! Ok! Ok! Ok! Fine! Let’s enroll him in another school. Anyone you choose is fine by me.”
It was then she left the system, but not without deleting a greater part of the project.
That was the woman I saw with a pestle that night.
As I watched her return the pestle, I asked myself why women are referred to as “the weaker vessel.”
“I thought he came to make trouble, I for kill ahm this night,” she said as she returned to bed.
I was still staring at her as if I just met her for the first time.
“Why are you staring at me like that? Come jhor, Junior needs a sister.” The other side remains a story.
Later that night, as I went outside to catch fresh air, I noticed someone jumped into the compound.
The compound is well a fenced compound.
I flashed my torch light only to find uncle fisherman.
How he managed to climb our tall fence is still baffling me till now.
He looked like a witch who has been beaten and stripped.
He wore a boxer that looked like a bedsheet.
He tied his trouser on his head.
The singlet he wore was the same one he used while going on fishing.
“Oga care taker,” he stammered on knowing I was the one.
“How you take jump this kind fence?” I asked as I pointed the torch on his boxer.
“Na God, my brother. Na God ooo.”
“Which God. If something lost for this compound, na you I go hold.”
“Where ugly uncle dey? How is the wife?” he asked.
“Im dey inside. The wife dey fine. Na the soup lost.”
“How I go do? If this man catch me, I don die.”
“Go inside go knock im door. Tell ahm say you don come back from exile. You fit carry your cane follow body, make im no carry anytin im see knack you, because I know say im go beat you well well.”
“Please use your office and make peace. I will buy whatever is needed. My business is suffering. Please help me.”
I felt pity for him.
I made up my mind to approach ugly uncle the following morning.
But unknown to me, ugly uncle was listening to us.
He was the first to have gone outside before me.
He was sitting behind the flower just close to where we were standing.
He heard everything we said.
He was there to smoke.
Probably, he must have finished smoking before I went outside.
“So you have finally come back,” said the ugly uncle as he stood up from a piece of stone behind the flower.
“The chicken has finally returned home to roast,” he added.
I looked at uncle fisherman, he was almost in tears.
Prophetess has finally killed this man.
I knew that was the best opportunity to intercede.
“Oga,” I began. “Let us talk about this peacefully as God’s children. You know the Bible says we should make peace with our neighbors.”
“You don’t need to preach. I have nothing to say or do for now. When I have something, I will let you know. For now, let him go in and sleep.”
That was a powerful message form ugly uncle.
All efforts to make him talk proved abortive as he walked into his room.
© Ezekiel Umoren