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While at work this morning, I got a call from my son’s school asking me to come to the school as soon as possible.
“Is Junior alright?” I asked out of curiosity.
“He’s very ok. But you just have to hurry,” the caller advised.
“Can I speak with him please?” I enquired.
“Please calm down sir. The invitation has nothing to do with your son’s health. Rather, it is for identification and collection of some personal items.”
“Alright then. I’m on my way.”
I took permission from my boss and headed to the school.
I kept wondering what I was to identify and collect.
Could it be there is a look alike child in the school who is answering my name that I am to identify and collect just like an item?
There is nothing women cannot do. I have been told repeatedly to fear women, but I would not listen.
So I braced up for the worst scenario as long as my son was alright.
I got to the school and dashed into the head teacher’s office.
I saw my son with another girl of his age in the office.
They both appeared to be fine.
“Good morning Sir and thank you for coming on such a short notice”, the head teacher began.
“What is the problem? What am I to identify? Did her mother say I am the father?” I asked while maintaining my gaze on the little girl.
Understanding how curious I was, the head teacher responded: “No! No! No! No! No! No! She’s not yours please. Nevertheless, is this your son’s school bag?”
“Yes. It belongs to my son. My wife bought it for her and I even have the receipt here in my wallet. Any problem?”
“Please take a look at the contents of this bag and see if you can identify any,” she said as she handed me the bag.
I took the bag from her, unzipped it and behold, I saw clothes.
“What are clothes doing in here?” I asked.
“Check again. They are not just clothes.”
That was when I poured the contents of the bag on the table. Surprisingly, they were my wife’s pants.
I was made to understand that Junior took the pants to the school to proof to his mates that his mother has many pants.
Imagine!
This is all my fault. I have not been checking his bag before and after coming back from school.
Dear parents, always be checking your wards’ bags. You may find something interesting in there.
Even if you may not find anything, it is a way of keeping them checked.
You see those ones in primary and secondary schools?
A wise is enough for the word.
As for Junior, my wife will decide his fate later in the day.
© Ezekiel Umoren
#ezekstoryPANT SAGA 2
Immediately I left the school, I placed a call to my wife.
I told her how her son packed her pants to school.
I even told her about my perception of the little girl I met at the office.
I made jest about the whole matter.
In all of these, my wife did not laugh. Very unlike her.
I knew Junior was in trouble already. He deserved to be in trouble considering how he has been depriving my wife and I of our conjugal rights.
In fact, whenever he has a problem with my wife, that is when I always have my way because he will angrily move to his room.
Imagine a 4 year old boy that has been fighting with me over the woman I married.
At home, we run a mini-supreme court.
One thing about this court is that my wife assumes the roles of all the Justices of the court. You can neither object, over rule nor appeal her judgment. So I imagined how tensed the house was going to be.
After dinner, I jumped on my couch and focused on the television. I was enjoying the replay between Morocco and Portugal.
The court settled and my wife presided over as usual.
“Junior!” she called out in a terrifying voice.
The poor boy knew what he was in to.
He appeared with a guilty plea written all over his face.
“What were my pants doing in your school? Who permitted you to touch my pants? Since when did we start sharing pants?”
Too many questions for a 4 year old boy. I would have opted to be his defense lawyer, but this boy dey show me shege for nights. So I allowed him to face his penalty.
“Are you deaf?” my wife asked as she could not get a response from Junior. The question was accompanied by a slap.
“I’m talking to you and you’re watching football? Are you ok? If I catch you looking at that screen again, you’ll see what I’ll do to you.”
Then she turned to me and added: “In fact, put off the TV.”
Who would want to have problem with a Supreme Court Justice? So I quickly put off the television, but I decided to stay behind in case things went out of hand.
My boy could not defend himself, so he was sentenced to some lashes.
She held him and flogged the hell out of his life.
As soon as the boy was released, he ran to his room immediately. Then the Devil decided to play buga on top my head.
“Just thank God say the pants were clean and neat, else you for hear ahm today.” I wanted to laugh, but the Devil had something for me.
“And you, ” she interrupted. “Why were you scared of the little girl? What have you been doing behind my back?”
I felt goose bumps all over me.
“What did you say?” I asked helplessly as I was taken unaware.
“Stop pretending as if you didn’t hear me. What have you been doing behind my back?” she asked at the top of her voice.
My people na so I take buy market for myself ooo.
© Ezekiel Umoren
#ezekstoryPANT SAGA 3
I was shocked to get such a question from my wife.
Her voice was already heard throughout the compound.
Since my wife is a tigress when it comes to fight, I had to maintain a reasonable distance to avoid being hurt.
In fact, I had to advance closer to the entrance door, just in case.
For a truth, I have not been doing anything funny behind her, but the problem was how to convince her to believe me.
I don’t understand how my village people will be controlling my mouth. Whatever I think with my brain must always find its way out from my mouth.
This has always put me in serious troubles.
I should not have told her what I thought about the little girl.
However, I have mastered the art of subduing my wife. If you want to calm her down, just be prepared to talk for as long as you can. Just keep talking and do not give her any chance of saying anything, because the moment you break and she is not calm, she can cause a serious damage. I do not need to fight her. All I need to do is to master the art of talking.
So I had to engage my mastery.
“What are you talking about? Are you accusing me of infidelity? How dare you?” I began to flare as I moved to the back of the couch by the entrance.
“Who is accusing you? Who even mentioned infidelity? You have just confessed ooo. So this is what you go about doing. Only God knows how many children you have out there.”
“Is this what it is about? Is this what we should be talking about? I told you that the entire staff were looking at your pants and you are not even bothered? Are you not ashamed? You should be thanking me that I changed all your pants. Assuming they had holes in them, do you think I would have been able to hide my face? What if I didn’t wash them in the first place? You needed to see how those teachers were rough-handling your pants, your pants, how they were stretching them. I even had to caution them. And you are not even appreciative? Gosh! This is all my fault. I am the one who works closer to the school, so the school calls me every now and then. ‘Please come to school, sir. Junior has done this. Junior has done that.’ Have they ever called you? No! Even during PTA meetings, I am the only one that represents us at the school. But this is the same boy that has formed a special bond with you and you have never seen anything wrong with that. When was the last time we enjoyed as husband and wife without the intrusion of this boy? Have you ever asked yourself how I am coping? Have you? No! And you have the audacity to accuse me of infidelity…”
That was how I was running my mouth like water from the tap just to meet the target of 850 words/minute as if I was writing essay for WAEC.
I do not even know what provoked my wife. Within a split of a second, she was already on me.
As I turned with the speed of light to run outside, I collided with Uncle Fisherman.
I do not know who asked him to come to my house.
This man has been purging for 5 days now and has refused to go to the hospital. He has visited the toilet for over 2000 times within the past 5 days. Imagine a skinny man purging for 5 days. He has become more and more skinnistically skinny, (don’t bother looking at the dictionary because you won’t find the meaning).
Having collided with him, he fell to the ground and has refused to wake up since then.
We are in the hospital since yesterday.
Now everything is on my head. Everyone is blaming me. No wahala.
If I ever get out of this mess, my mouth no go ever put me for trouble again.
Now I don buy second market for myself.
The End 😁
© Ezekiel Umoren
#ezekstory
